24+ Hours Later...

Shortly after my last post we introduced the bottle to Little Dude. I was unprepared for my emotional reaction to this. DH filled the Tommee Tippee bottle and handed it to me, I think in an effort to help me feel like I was still involved. Which of course I know the milk in the bottle comes from me so I am involved. I sat down and put the bottle to Little Dude's lips, he was not interested at all. I know sometimes moms aren't successful at introducing bottles because babies know mom as the food source. I gave the bottle and baby to DH and let him give it a whirl. Little Dude was still not having any of it. I went and grabbed our other bottle type and quickly transferred the milk from one to the other. Hungrily Little Dude took the bottle. That's when my tears started to flow, just as his ceased. It's truly impossible to identify every emotion I was feeling at that moment. There was sadness, happiness, relief, stress, apprehension, guilt, so many things swirling together that all overwhelmed me. As I watched him slurp down the bottle in record speed eating time, I realized suddenly our relationship had changed. No longer does he rely solely on me as his feeding source, yes I supply the milk, but anyone can give him a bottle. In a way this breaks my heart. I know this is our best course of action and that what is most important is Little Dude is happy and healthy. I know that I am truly blessed and however it is that I have to feed my baby, I have a baby, and for that I am truly thankful. I know there are many that struggle down the road of IF today and to them my struggle to come to terms with our situation would be a welcome one, because it would mean their dream had finally come true. As mine has. I've given Little Dude several bottles and when he looks into my eyes as he greedily slurps it down I know in my heart I made the right decision. It's simply a matter of processing the emotions. The guilt is the hardest one. I feel guilty because in a way this is easier. Yeah I'll tell you pumping every 2 hours is no walk in the park, but it's far from the worst thing in the world. Yesterday we were able to leave the house and do errands for more than a rushed and harried hour. I pumped while we were out at Babies R US(for future reference for anyone needing a private place to nurse or pump, BRU has a Mother's Room perfect for this purpose), buying us more time to be out and about. We actually accomplished things. DH commented that we never could have done that if we were still struggling with BFing, which is true. And for the relief that I felt that we were able to accomplish things(buy our new Pilot-told you delayed gratification and us don't mix well :) ), came the guilt that as a mom I should be willing to sacrifice that luxury and should have continued attempting to BF. Probably sounds silly I know, but the guilt is there whether I like it or not. After I finished pumping in BRU another mom walked in and commented about the collection tubes I use to pump into, she said she used them too and almost as an afterthought mentioned that she has to exclusively pump for her little girl. It was great to hear that someone else was walking down the same path we are. Her little one was older than Little Dude so I found that encouraging. Another benefit of bottlefeeding has been the disappearance of what DH and I dubbed Fussy Time. A few days after coming home Little Dude started Fussy Time, which started about 11pm and lasted a few hours. He would shriek in complete frustration and we would try everything to soothe him, food, diaper change, swaddling, shhhhing, swinging, all the tricks. They would each work for a brief time and then the shrieking would ensue again. The last two nights Fussy Time has not occurred, much to everyone's relief. Since we aren't struggling with his latch anymore we were able to introduce the pacifier and our little guy is incredibly soothed by the simple action of sucking. That is his self calming tool and without a pacifier or me offering the breast constantly I think Fussy Time would have continued indefinitely. Little Dude is almost a completely different baby since introducing the bottle and pacifier. He is much more calm and happy. More content and less agitated. For all these things I am thankful. Yet the guilt still underlies the situation. I hope it won't be my constant companion this next year.