Let the Countdown Begin

In six short days I begin the first of my injections for this IVF cycle. At this point I'm feeling completely different from how I felt last time we did IVF. Last time I was so full of hope, so sure I would be pregnant in 4 weeks, so sure this procedure we saw as our last chance was going to deliver what we were hoping for. I mean they gave us a 67% chance of success, our chance that it wouldn't work was smaller than our chance it would. For the first time the odds were stacked in our favor. There was so much excitement surrounding the process, even though I had no idea what to expect, which can be pretty scary sometimes. This time I feel no anticipation. I've been waiting, expecting it to start but I feel no joy. If there's some hope inside me it's being held at bay by the fear that is gripping every part of me. I'm scared. Terrified actually. I'm afraid to get invested in this process. I don't think we can handle another loss. Throughout these years battling infertility I've learned that the higher you let your hopes and expectations escalate, the more invested you become in the process, the higher you have to fall and the harder you hit the ground when things don't work out. I sense that DH feels all of the things I'm feeling now too. He's trying to put on the strong face, to project some hope things will work, but behind the facade I sense the fear. For the first time in this process, he's scared. Usually he's the one who is so sure it's going to work. So sure the baby is fine. So sure we've survived infertility. But this time he's reserved. He's where I draw my strength from in my darkest hours, in my weakest moments, but when I seek strength this cycle I sense there just isn't as much available. We're bracing ourselves. Steeling ourselves against disappointment. I hate that infertility has done this to us. I don't want to feel hopeless, desperate, lost. I don't want to feel like this may not work. I don't want fear to drown hope. Yet that's where we are. Six days from the begining.