I started writing a post yesterday. I was all set to celebrate my beautiful follicles and excellent lining. Then the fear kicked in. Yes I can produce great looking follicles, yes I'm "young" so they should easily implant & become a baby, but how the hell do I know if my body is ready to support a pregnancy for nine months? It sure hasn't cooperated yet. This morning I looked at the fabulous looking ultrasound screen with wonder at the follicles that hold my contribution to my future cildren. Each follicle rapidly reaching maturity, ready to join in a glorious union with one of DH swimmers and was filled with fear, guilt, and anguish. What if the fate of these gorgeous follicles is to be destroyed by the body which created them? How can I be excited if I'm dooming them to demise within my uterus? I want so badly for them to prosper and become my precious little babies, but is that a futile hope? I'm torn. I'm so joyful that we are successful in this moment, but in the exact same time space, the very same moment, I'm paralyzed by fear. There is a part of me, which resides in a dark corner of my mind, that has taunted me during this process. Each failed cycle, each pregnancy loss, has strengthened her voice. She questions my joy, how can I believe this will work? How can I think things could go differently? Why do I think I deserve this now? The constant fight between good and evil is exhaustive.
On a happier note, this morning's ultrasound went as follows: Good old reliable right ovary is a champ this cycle, we've got a 17.9, 15.7, 15.6, 15.7, 16, 14.2, 15.7, 18.8. The left ovary has a 19.5, 14.3, 14.9, and 12.5. The lining is 9.4. Looks like we'll do one more night of shots and then trigger Saturday night. We have to wait until the bloodwork is back this afternoon.
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