Ugh. Good news...but it just doesn't feel good...

We got our chromosome tests back today. They were normal for both of us. Not really a surprise for me since both babies came back normal female. Obviously DH's is not a surprise either. He is perfect at everything he does, how could he be genetically flawed? These were the results I was hoping for, yet a part of me has just been feeling so low since finding out. The last thing I wanted was to have something genetically wrong with us that we were passing onto our babies. At the same time these results just absolutely reiterate that there's something wrong with me. It was hard enough finding out that I was the reason we weren't getting pregnant, now I'm responsible for the losses too. Double whammy. While I know this is a victory in our corner, hopefully the next tests will show that it's a blood thing that we can treat, it is a knife that twists deeper into my heart. When the mommy-switch flipped for me I went nuts. I wanted kids and I wanted them now. I remember going into the baby section at Wal-Mart and falling on the floor sobbing amidst the baby clothes because DH just wasn't ready to be a daddy. He wanted time and I wanted kids. I even threatened to leave him, how stupid was I? Hello, I only wanted kids with him. He's the reason I want kids. And there I was telling him I was moving home to live with my parents if he didn't agree to start trying to have kids. Stupid. He took the time he needed and was ready in about a year. Now that he's ready my body isn't cooperating. He is so wonderful. Never once has he threatened to leave me for being broken. He won't even tell me how much he wants kids for fear that he will be putting more pressure on me. He holds my hand through all of this and helps remind me to take things one day at a time. I know he doesn't blame me for any of this. Yet part of me feels so much guilt that we're having such a hard time having a child. If he was with someone else he would probably have children by now. He gets mad that I blame myself, but it's human nature to place blame. In our case the baby is inside me. I'm the only one who could be responsible for this loss. He says that I'm my toughest critic, and no one else blames me. It's hard not to blame yourself though. I've had two little lives growing inside of me and they both abruptly ceased, there is no one else to blame. So while these test results are a positive step in the right direction, I still feel pain. All I can do now is hope the next tests reveal the problem.