Infertile in a Fertile World...

Have you ever bought a new car and realized suddenly it seems like EVERYONE is driving the same exact car you are? Human nature causes your mind to suddenly notice that one thing and you start seeing it everywhere. That's the best way I can think to explain what it's like to be infertile in this seemingly fertile world. Everywhere I look there are babies and pregnant women. When I'm in public I never see peoples eyes or faces anymore, I'm constantly seeing bellies. It makes for some awkward social situations when I suddenly burst into tears in public overwhelmed by the enormity of my situation. Basically I avoid all situations where children and pregnant women could possibly be present, well all situations I have the power to avoid. Obviously I can't avoid work-pregnant co-workers and the traveling public which consists of pregnant women and children. Even the bathroom isn't a good place to escape and cry when you're at work, you're bound to run into the two things you're trying to avoid when you go there. Kids and pregnant women sure pee a lot. Luckily my house has most of the things necessary to survive and I can't say I've run into too many kids or pregnant women there. Mondays are a great day to grocery shop and do errands because usually you only really run into elderly people in the supermarket and fortunately old people certainly don't remind me of babies or pregnant ladies. It sounds like I'm crazy, I know, but things that most people normally wouldn't notice or get emotional about send infertile people into a tailspin. Take for example the seemingly innocuous question, "Do you have any children?" How many people do you know who would burst into an uncontrollable, almost hyperventilating sob fest when asked this question? It's an innocent question, not meant to elicit much emotional response, just meant to find a common link for discussion between two people. To someone battling infertility that question brings forth memories and emotions we work to hide from most people. If my answer is no, the question that follows will be either, "What have you been doing the last 4 years you've been married?" or "Don't you want kids?" or sometimes there's the "You don't know how lucky you are to be so free and be able to just spend time with your husband and travel with no kids around." I am then obligated to either tell you what I've been through the last 2 years trying to have children and how that sure doesn't feel lucky or simply say we haven't started trying yet. Either way there will be an uncomfortable silence. If I answer the original question with yes but they both passed away before they were born, an uncomfortable silence follows. If not an uncomfortable silence, then most likely one of my favorite responses will probably be offered up, "You're so young. Just relax and keep trying. It will happen when the time is right." or another all time favorite, "You should adopt. X did that and after she adopted she ended up getting pregnant on her own." Our whole conversation has just reminded me of this disease I'm battling and it's been unpleasant for both of us. Infertility is a disease. It is like cancer, or heart disease, but most closely like mental illness. Both mental illness and infertility are diseases that people are just not comfortable talking about. They are impossible for others to see because they very rarely physically manifest themselves. I look like a normal healthy 26 year old. From the outside you would never know that I've spent more of this last year at the doctor's office or hospital than I've ever been in my life. You wouldn't know I've had 3 painful surgeries and more invasive procedures than I can count. 7.3 million women in the United States are just like me. Unable to get pregnant or stay pregnant. Yet most of the 7.3 million suffer in silence. Avoiding pregnant friends, baby showers, public situations with children. Seeming to other people on the outside to be anti-social or stuck-up, depending on the situation. I must confess, I have a family reunion in 4 weeks that I am absolutely terrified about. My young cousins will be there and I'm worried about keeping it together. My own cousins. Infertility is debilitating. I love them so much and am so thankful for their existence yet, I'm terrified that being in the same room with them will be a painful experience I may not be ready for. These are the kinds of fears and emotions you have when you deal with infertility. You are afraid of your own family. Friendships suffer too. I have pregnant friends right now and I'm so completely excited for them. Yet a part of me grieves because I'm not pregnant too. Sounds selfish I know, trust me there's guilt on my part for the feelings. I don't know if there is really a way to best convey infertility to others. But I am trying to be frank and honest, and I hope that I don't hurt anyone's feelings in the process-if I do I apologize. Thank you all so much for following my blog!!