Power of a Peestick...

Abso-freaking-lutely nothing in my mind. Yet it's rocked my world to the core. To those anxiously wondering whether I broke down and tested or not, let the suspense dissipate: pee stick showed two lines on Sunday afternoon. Sorry I held out on everyone. It's the weirdest feeling to pee on a stick, have it tell you you're pregnant, and really feel nothing. I've peed on sticks before, they've said I was pregnant before, yet I've never made it past nine weeks. A pee stick does not have the power to tell you the viability of a pregnancy, bring on the betas for that one. Even those are far from infallible. I didn't know how to approach this post, hence why it's taken me two days to bring myself to write it. I don't want to sound bitter or selfish. I'm in a state that so many women I know are dying to be in, I'm pregnant. And that's why I didn't want to post this post. I don't want to make those women who would give anything to be where I am right now so angry they start to hate me, I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want them to think I'm ungrateful. But to anyone whose ever lost a baby, and anyone whose lost more than one baby, how do you ever feel the joy of pregnancy again? I'm in this state where I'm almost not believing I'm pregnant, and the brief moments I do let myself give in to the reality I find myself wondering how long it will last. I hate this. I want to be one of those women who pee on a stick and tell the whole world she's pregnant. I want to run to Carter's and buy a closet full of baby clothes today and not have to return them in a few weeks. I want to order a crib and rearrange my guest room back into the nursery it's supposed to be...but I can't. I want to go to work and tell my boss I'm out of there, I'm going to be a stay at home mom. I want to plan for a trip next year to introduce the new baby or babies to all of the new grandparents. I want to plan for a future that includes our new addition(s) that won't need to be edited later due to tragedy. But I can't. I have to take this day by day, moment by moment. I haven't even taken the time to figure out when the little one(s) would be due. It's all too overwhelming to think about. I've done it before, planned it all out. Twice. And it never came to pass. I know I'm not the only one who is feeling this anxiety, trepidation, or uncertainty. DH didn't know what to say when I told him, except we'll take this one day at a time. My mom is visiting right now and she's basically ignored that I even took the test. The excitement is so hard to muster. I want this baby(ies) more than anything in the world, as does DH and my mom, but I think it's hard to shake the old fool me once, fool me twice feeling. I'm telling myself it will be different. I'm trying to maintain a positive state of mind. I'm working as hard as I can to keep the dark thoughts at bay. This time it will be different. This time it must be different. This time, please oh please, let it be different.