Then and Now...

If I close my eyes I'm transported back to a year ago. I feel the jolt of anxiety, the pain of the familiar setting, the small shot of hope, the numbness of indifference. A year ago this morning I sat clad in an open backed gown, hooked up to an IV, shivering under the thin, sterile sheets joking with DH about how the pattern on the fertility clinic's curtain resembled swimming sperm. I'd been here twice before, first for a D&C after losing our innocence along with our first baby and again for our first IVF cycle, whose subsequent D&C was performed at my OB's because we'd already graduated from the RE's office. In the past what followed a visit to this place was pain. Although there were changes being made it was hard to muster much hope. I was readying the white flag of surrender and had begun exploring surrogacy and my feelings surrounding it. Now as I wake up every few hours and look over at my little guy with the rhino foot jammies I am in awe at what a difference a year makes. I shed a few tears of joy and thankfulness nearly every day. He is truly a miracle and I am more at peace with what we went through now that I have met him. We never could have succeeded sooner. He is the child we were meant to have. A year ago if you'd have told me I'd be here in this amazing place I never would have believed you. Technically a year ago my pregnancy had already begun.