Peanut and Ramblings...

LD had his 12 month appointment yesterday. We went to a new pedi and so far we're happy with her. A welcome change from the prior pedi who would always ask our opinion when we asked for medical advice and never seemed to get around to the medical answer. Our little peanut is 29" long and only weighs 18lbs 14oz. He's eating three solid meals a day and drinking somewhere between 16-24oz of breastmilk so the pedi wasn't too, too concerned with his weight but she does want to check him again at 14 months. I've been trying to feed him foods that will bulk him up but I guess I'm not doing such a good job with that. He spends all day walking around like crazy burning all his calories so it's hard to keep the weight on. He only naps about 2 hours a day so he burns lots of calories walking around when he should be napping. Other than that he checked out 100% healthy.

Not too much else going on right now. We're considering putting our place on the market. It's stressful and exciting at the same time. We can't afford to buy in the area we'd like to live right now so if we sell this place we'll probably rent and save for a few years and hopefully be able to buy where we'd like to be. Of course while trying to figure out what will be best, the topic of #2 inevitably came up. We're still pretty unsure of when and how #2 fits into the plans. We had some emotionally charged discussions and in the end I think we're still just not ready to jump back into the turbulent emotions of fertility treatments. It's amazing how quickly I forgot/buried the trauma that goes along with unsuccessfully trying to concieve and how much money I was willing to throw at the problem in hopes of success. Unfortunately DH was much more permanently scarred by the experience and how vulnerable it makes us feel. I want to believe trying again things would be different. That it would all hurt less knowing I could come home and wrap my arms around LD and the hurts would disappear, but how can I know that for sure? I want to reassure my DH that this time I would be rational, logical, I would realize that we have limited resources and that I would go into this game knowing there was a clear end point-goal achieved or not, baby conceived or not we couldn't keep trying forever. And sitting here now I think I'm ok with that. I think I could say we'll try X times and put X amount of money into it and if it's meant to be it will be, otherwise we'll be ok. I know that every dollar spent, every minute of anguish that I spend mourning a failed cycle is taking something away from LD. And that is where I know the guilt would begin. So I would want to avoid at all costs letting myself become as entrenched in treatment as I was when we struggled to conceive LD. Not because I don't want another baby as badly as I wanted him, but because I have to balance being LD's mother and the longing to be someone else's mother as well. I have to ensure that while trying to concieve a brother or sister for LD I don't allow myself to miss any moment of LD's life. *Sigh* So much to think about and wade through.

On a happier note here's some pictures of LD's favorite 1st birthday present the Zany Zoo.