Wha??? Who Invited the Wicked Witch...

So my current enemy, let's just say in elementary school fashion she's a witch minus the w and add a b to the leftover itch, her name is Time. What the hell is her problem? While going through treatment she sure as hell couldn't move fast enough. Really. Every second was truly slow and painful. Those moments I spent convinced I'd never be a mother went by in a ridiculously slow manner. Each time I found out the baby within me had passed away the seconds between that news and the surgery that followed crawled so slow I thought someone found the pause button for my life. Those dark moments drug on and on. Now that LD's here Time has decided to fly by. I feel like just yesterday I was sweetly inviting him to join us out here in the world while feeling him tumble around inside my belly. In reality it was five months ago!! I feel like at most it could only be August, yet here we are in December. In a way it makes me sad. Every outfit LD outgrows, every milestone he hits, every ounce he gains are all so bittersweet. He's growing and changing so quickly and I'm frantically searching for a way to slow time down. Parents always tell you to cherish these moments, to savor them and know that they pass so quickly. "They're only young once." I fought so hard for three years to get these moments. Those three years felt like ten at least, and now it seems unfair that these LD filled moments can somehow slip away so quickly. The tiny seven pound baby I cradled so closely upon his entrance to the world is now a fifteen pound explorer so enthralled with his surroundings, anxious not to miss a thing. I love to watch his face fill with wonder as he examines a new object, place, or person. I just wish he could stay little just a little while longer. Infertility brings so much uncertainty into the equation. What if this is the only time I'll ever have a baby this little? There's an underlying anxiety that threatens to saturate each and every moment and steal a little of the joy I fought so hard for the privilege of having. Here's the funny thing...I'm not even sure I want a second child. I LOVE LD and all of these sweet baby moments. He's an amazing baby!! But somehow in my mind as I weigh the pros and cons of another baby I'm just not sure where one fits into our lives. I feel like I'm supposed to want another child, like I'm obligated to. During the last two months while we traveled to visit family we were asked numerous times about when we're going to have the next one. My reply was usually somewhat curt and included the reminder that it took three years and two losses until the incredible blessing of LD so as far as we're concerned we're just not sure about a second child. There's a part of me that I think truly wants another child. But I'm not sure if that part of me wants another child because I'm unsure we will even be successful due to infertility. Kind of a wanting what I can't have thing. Or if all those infertility treatments are just so ingrained in what I believe my life should be like after 3 years that I feel like we have to try again. A bigger part of me wonders how to even have a second child without taking something away from LD. Right now he's my number one focus. There's no other distractions physically, emotionally, or financially from LD's well being. If we are lucky enough to be able to conceive another child I can't help but feel like we'll be taking something away from LD. While I realize we'll be giving him a sibling, the part of me that feels like we're taking something away is just much more pervasive right now. It makes me sad to look at him and think about a year or two from now having a baby who is demanding attention consuming my time while LD, my firstborn is coming in second because a baby needs more. And then I think about the second baby, there is no way that baby can get all the time and attention I'm able to give LD right now as the only child. If we have a second child will I feel that guilt forever? Again Time is my enemy. I feel like maybe if we could wait a few years until LD is in school and just naturally doesn't need as much I would feel like there was more time for a second baby without taking anything away from either. But when I start to feel that way infertility slaps me across the face and reminds me there's no promise of a second baby and if there's even the smallest desire to try for a second we better get on the ball quickly because my eggs, which are crap to begin with, are only getting crappier.

July 22, 1010-plenty of room to grow in the swing


November 18, 2010-the swing is just about outgrown