"Serial aborter". That's what my medical records at the specialist's office say. I mean that's not all that my records say, also mentioned is PCOS, missed abortion, pregnant with history of infertility, but the words that cut me the deepest this week as I sat on the exam chair undressed from the waist down are "serial aborter".
After we lost the first baby and returned to treatment I was confronted by the term, "missed abortion" staring back at me from the cold computer screen in the exam room. I didn't understand it. I didn't miss anything about losing that baby, I was there every second of every day, fighting with all my strength to keep that baby with us. It was the hardest two months of my life watching our little one struggle and being told appointment after appointment that the baby wasn't going to make it. I was there. Physically present for the entire ordeal. In fact, I carried that baby with me for six days after finding out it was no longer alive.
So "missed abortion", I think not. Yet that's the medical term. Cold. Callous. First inferring no one was even aware or paying attention to what transpired, and secondly in my mind using a word that infers I had some choice in the matter. I never grew comfortable with the description but realized in the cold, detached medical world often diagnoses are anything but emotionally accurate.
Monday as I sat in the doctor's office naked from the waist down I was confronted by an even more disturbing term, the words "serial aborter" jumped out and slapped me in the face. I lost it. "Serial aborter". Something about the word aborter/abortion implies to me a choice. I guess it's the way we in the American culture use it. The words evoke such a visceral reaction in most people. But to most people an abortion is an action chosen by a woman, either from necessity or personal preference, but still a choice. In my case I far from chose to lose my two angels. No one asked me if I'd rather not be pregnant, if I really didn't want kids anyway, or if I was forced into these pregnancies by some horrible means and subsequently offered me a way out. I didn't seek assistance to end these lives that I so desperately sought to create. Yet from here on out to the medical community I am merely a "serial aborter". Nothing I can do or say will ever erase those words from my file. I will go on to give birth to one or two healthy babies, yet I will always remain a "serial aborter".
Ugh, what a nasty phrase. I'm sorry you had to see your difficult past summed up in those two words...Sending you happy thoughts.
ReplyDeleteWell, I must be a "serial aborter" too because I've had two miscarriages (both at 9 weeks). You would think they could come up with a better term. I wish you the best of luck in your next IVF cycle. Hang in there!! You will be blessed!
ReplyDeleteHere from ICLW, I'm so sorry for your losses. I, too, suffered a loss at 9weeks+ recently (my 2nd) and I would be devastated to see that term on my records. Which I'm sure it will be. I find out on Wednesday was the tissue analysis report is on this latest loss -- I'm not sure if I'm rooting for chromosomal issues again (which means my eggs are worse than thought as we've also had normal karyotypes) or an unknown, which would be frustrating in its own right.
ReplyDeleteI hope this October IVF is your magic cycle and everything works out perfectly and smoothly. Best wishes.
I'm sorry for your losses. What an awful way to phrase things.
ReplyDeleteICLW
Oh Kari, I feel your pain. Besides, serial aborter and missed miscarriage, the term I hate the most is chemical pregnancy. I don't know why but it always, always rubbed me the wrong way.
ReplyDeleteI went through multiple losses and would be more than happy to listen if you need someone to talk to.
~ICLW
Thanks so much for stopping by my little place in the blogosphere, Kari. I am so incredibly sorry about your angel babies...and I wish we could have "met" under better circumstances rather than being fellow "serial aborters". I HATE that term...like we had a choice in the matter!
ReplyDeleteHere's wishing you the best of luck and hoping to hear about your good news soon.
Ugh. What a horrible, horrible term. I especially hate "habitual aborter". As if this is some kind of crazy habit of mine, killing my babies.
ReplyDeleteUgh.
Beautiful and honest post. I wish you lots of luck with your October cycle.
ReplyDeleteI hate the term too. I /know/ abortion means the termination of a pregnancy by whatever means, and what most people call abortion should really be 'selective abortion', but it still jags on my nerves everytime I see it.
ReplyDeleteI not only hate that term, I think it is insensitive to use, even if medically correct. When we did a Creating a Family show on repeat miscarriages, I asked that we not use that term on air. There are other ways to get the idea across without cutting to the bone. Sorry it happened to you. You might find the show helpful and hopeful. Also, we hope to do another one in Dec. with the head of one of the only clinic in the US devoted soley to recurrent miscarriages. I was absolutely amazed, when prepping for the first show on miscarriages last March, how little was medically known about the causes and cures for miscarriages. Also, you might find the book Coming to Term by Jon Cohen (I think) helpful. He was on the show. Good luck this next cycle.
ReplyDelete