Pick Up the Pieces and Start Again

On Monday I met with yet another OB. That's the third one in three months. Pretty soon every doctor in Northern Virginia and DC will have been inside my lady parts, or that's how it feels anyway. I was long overdue for my annual exam, and with the cancer scare I had at my last annual exam I'm supposed to be seen more often than yearly. When you're going from treatment cycle to treatment cycle sometimes even health things often get ignored. The new OB checked my records and saw the clotting tests were mostly back, and as expected-but not what I wanted to hear, they are all normal. She did tell me that there are over 100 thrombophilias(clotting disorders) for which there are no tests that can also interfere with pregnancy. Since our babies were lost father along in the first trimester she said there is definitely a possibility they were lost due to clotting issues. She has agreed to treat me for clotting disorders once our next pregnancy is confirmed. She told me that treatment involves daily injections in the stomach for 10 months, to which I answered if it provides me with a healthy baby I would do anything. She also conceived via IVF so she can relate to our position. Shots in the stomach seem so trivial to me when I imagine holding my child in my arms. IVF is two weeks of stomach shots, what's another ten months after? She also gave me a medication to help with my PCOS. PCOS not only causes infertility issues, it increases your chance for diabetes, stroke, and heart disease. The medication she gave me should regulate my cycles and help decrease our risk for miscarriage. Women with PCOS have a higher risk of miscarriage.
My goal hasn't changed but I'm terrified of the path. My last pregnancy was nine weeks of hell, and everything looked perfect at each appointment, until the end. Having lost my first baby I was constantly afraid of losing my second one as well. The anxiety and fear were overwhelming at times. It's ironic that something that I want so badly causes me so much pain. I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant, but instead of being blissfully pregnant I was miserably pregnant. Also ironic is the fact that I was actually just starting to relax when we lost the second baby. I was realizing that things were going well and I had nothing to worry about, and then the rug was swept out from under me. My DH constantly reassured me and did his best to keep me from the edge. When we lost the second baby even his faith was shaken. He told me that next time we're pregnant he won't be able to relax until we hear the cry and hold our little one in our arms. Knowing that I'm even more terrified about how we'll survive our next pregnancy. I know that it's another challenge in our journey and we will face it the best way we can, together we can survive anything.
Monday's appointment filled me with some sense of peace for the next step and I think I'm ready to try again. We meet with our RE on the 31st and I'm ready for that appointment. I am filled with hope that the third time is a charm for us. The third time will reward us with the baby we so desperately seek. The changes in our treatment hold the key to our success. Our next pregnancy will go all the way and we will be blessed with the greatest gift of all. I know the path will be stressful and we will be filled with fear and anxiety, but we will gather our hope and strength to combat the negative and overpower it with the positive. I have actually started listening to positive affirmations at least twice daily and can feel a change in myself already. So bring on the needles and drugs and let's get this show on the road!! :)