Growing Up...

As I type this my son is taking his very first solo nap in his crib...and I'm sobbing. I know I should be happy and be using this time to do something for myself, like reading which I love to do but haven't gotten to do since having Little Dude. Or showering. Or painting my toenails. Or working out. But here I sit, sobbing and blogging. Although I think blogging constitutes a good use of my time. Until a few months ago naps weren't in the schedule in this house. When we decided a schedule was desperately needed we added naps into the program. LD's never taken a nap in his crib or lying down anywhere by himself. He has always needed to be laying on someone, or sometimes DH can lay right next to him in our bed but never alone in his crib. He literally cried for an hour straight and never fell asleep the last time we tried to get him to nap in his crib. We've all but remedied his nighttime sleep problems and if he cries or fusses it's less than 10 minutes and he settles himself down to sleep. We were doing naps just fine as long as we laid with him but in the last two weeks he's stopped napping and seems quite distracted so we were dealing with a fussier LD who I knew needed naps. So I decided today to see what would happen if I put him in his crib for a nap and left him alone so he wasn't distracted by me. Fussed less than 10 minutes and he's asleep.

I wasn't prepared for how this would make me feel emotionally. I really wasn't. I had no idea I would cry. No idea I would feel such an ache in my heart. Why am I crying, he's napping. That's a good thing. And he's doing it on his own. I have free time. But until today he's always needed me, or someone, to nap and today he doesn't need me. He's growing up and this is just the first of many things he relied on me to help him with, that he's learned to do on his own. That makes me sad. Rational me knows it shouldn't. That's what kids do. They grow up. You teach them how to survive and then they do it on their own. That's parenting. But I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready to feel like he's growing up and doesn't need me quite as much anymore. This is a tiny moment in his life, but for me it's monumental. This is the first time as a mother that I've felt sorrow knowing that my baby isn't quite a baby anymore. Of course he's done a ton of new things and mastered so many new skills through this first year and I've watched with pride as he's done these things and known it meant he was growing up but never have I felt this sadness that I feel knowing he can nap on his own. How dumb is that?