Still Here...

Happy New Year!! Yes, I'm still here. I realized I haven't posted anything since before Christmas. It's been sort of a busy time around here. Oh who am I kidding? I've been kind of lazy too and not really sure what to write about, it literally took me 3 days to cobble this post together. I'm still not too sure what to write about but figured I'd ramble a bit so you knew I was still around.

I had a moment the other day. I was walking through Old Navy to the back where they keep all the baby clothes. I was on a mission to find some nice light weight long sleeved onesies for LD to wear while we're in FL visiting Mickey. (If anyone has any suggestions on where to find some that'd be great. I want something that won't get too hot but I want him covered from the sun.) Suddenly my heart literally stopped and jumped into my throat and tears welled in my eyes. I was taken aback for a moment because I had no idea why this was happening. I looked up and realized I was in the maternity section. Here I was obviously not pregnant, and still so unsure about the future, bawling as I stroked a soft maternity shirt. And I had no idea how I got there or even why I picked that shirt. I took that moment to feel what I think brought me to that section in the first place and realized there's still so much unresolved inside of me. I am still holding on to the pain of infertility, despite holding onto LD every morning, noon, and night. Despite staring into his gorgeous blue eyes as I feed his hungry little mouth, deep down inside I'm still feeling the sting of the monster that is infertility. As I stood there with tears running down my face I hurt for the uncertainty that is my future. Will I ever get to wear pants with a big old belly waistband again? Will I ever again feel that sweet feeling that is a tiny life kicking inside of me? Will I ever feel as beautiful as I did while I was pregnant again? We still haven't really decided if we plan to try again. I'm not ready now and I know DH isn't either. I don't even think now is an appropriate time for us to discuss it. So it was sort of scary to suddenly be reliving moments from my life when I was actively trying to conceive. I had a similar moment in the baby clothes section of a WalMart during our dark three year struggle. Although that time I ended up in a sobbing heap on the floor clutching baby clothes, this time I held it together a little more nicely. I'm not sure why I shared this, except I guess to say that even when you've achieved what you once viewed as impossible and all your dreams have come true, infertility can still slap you upside the head when you least expect it. I apologize to anyone reading this who is still struggling to conceive #1. I don't think there's anyone left in that boat, at least not an active commenter, but if you're lurking out there and you read this I'm sorry.

On to a lighter subject. Little Dude is doing fantastic!! Well except for the sleep regression, the bedtime battle, and daytime fussiness. Those things all go hand in hand I think. I've read that between 4-6 months some babies actually regress like this. Between growth spurts and teething and just general development they go through a period where they need to eat more at night so the waking up begins again. He's become a master at rubbing his eyes and convincing us that it's bedtime. We get his jammies on, get a bottle ready, and take him into the room to rock and feed. He'll finish the bottle and be snoring, but the minute you set him down his eyes fly open and he starts screaming. We go through this routine roughly 3 times every night at bedtime. It can get exhausting. So hopefully this phase passes quickly.

LD has mastered a locomotion technique that makes him hard to keep up with. Remember in elementary school when you did the crab walk? You know where you lay on your back, put your arms above your head, and lift up. He doesn't use his arms but he picks his back and butt up off the floor and plows around bumping into things with his head. He really gets moving and covers vast territory in mere minutes. He's also strictly a belly sleeper now. The minute you set him on his back he flops over to his belly. DH and I are both belly sleepers so it was sort of to be expected. Although I won't lie and tell you it didn't freak me the hell out when he started doing it. I struggled with whether I should be turning him over or not. Turning him over proved futile as he'd just flop back onto his belly again.

We're gearing up to start solids soon, although I still haven't really set a date. First up on the list avocado. I don't think I've ever had an avocado so I think I'm going to have to try it with LD. The goal of baby led weaning is to raise a child who isn't a picky eater by introducing a ton of variety through feeding them what you eat. In our case we don't eat a ton of variety yet so our diet is going through a total overhaul too. I certainly see the need to try to avoid a picky child, as the thought of even trying an avocado makes me gag. Hopefully while developing Little Dude's palate I can broaden my own. Coming soon...adventures in baby and Mommy led weaning...